I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
