that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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