When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
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