hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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