Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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