all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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