Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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