apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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