Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
