if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
