alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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