we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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