Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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