I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
