i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
