Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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