Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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