i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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