Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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