God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
