I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I wish life had little blips of pornography
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Did I show you my penis last night?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
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