My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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