i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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