Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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