It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
