I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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