I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
