I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
