I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
