12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
