mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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