is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
