Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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