Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
