I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
