My friends, they love my intelligence
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
