I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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