I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
