youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
