he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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