Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
