Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Randomize
