I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
