Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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