cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
