Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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