Need sex. Gaining weight.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
