dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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