I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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