woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i think i have two assholes
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
